Ask any couples therapist about the most common complaint in session, and he will likely tell you “Mr(s). Fix It.” Who is this elusive Mr(s). Fix It? And why is he (she) always intruding in our sessions?
Mr(s). Fix It is the fictional character who shows up when a partner starts talking about a particular problem. Here’s how it goes:
Partner A: I had a really hard day at work. My colleague rolled her eyes at me AGAIN, and I was so upset I ran to the bathroom and cried.
Mr(s). Fix It: Here’s what you do—you go to your supervisor and rat her out. Ha—lets’ see her try THAT again!
Partner A: Why can’t you just listen to me? I just need you to hear me! Never mind, I’m calling my Mother.
It’s a natural instinct to want to help your partner by fixing the problem, but you can see how this shuts down a conversation pretty fast. Although nearly all Mr(s). Fix Its can learn how to use empathy and concern before giving advice, I personally prefer to put some responsibility on Partner A and ask her to outline what she wants out of the conversation, so there are no crossed wires.
Turns out, there are three distinct areas of support, and it may be quite helpful for the “requestor” to ask for which one she wants.
According to Dave Smallen in Psychology Today, here they are:
Emotional Support: concern, empathy, love, encouragement
Tangible Support: help with tasks, like cooking or managing finances
Informational Support: sharing news, facts, or asking for advice
So, now we have some tools! Before even starting the conversation, it might help to lay out your request by asking something like, “Hey, do you have time to talk? I’m really needing emotional support right now.” At this point, it’s up to your partner to translate that into healthy responses (you may want to over your preferred responses at an earlier date).
No more “lost in translation” requests—and no more fumbling around with unhelpful responses.
But, perhaps most importantly, no more Mr(s). Fix It!
Britt Young, M.A., LMFT